Sigh…Confession Time

Theoretically confession is good for the soul. But in practical application it can suck.

Since my doctor told me to stop running last February I’ve allowed myself to gain 15 pounds. Doesn’t sound that terrible, I guess. Except that when you’re barely 5’4″ that’s almost two sizes. So not only do I feel like a loser for gaining a little weight back, I juuuuust can’t fit into any clothes other than my scrubs.

I’m angry at myself, at the universe, at my stupid arthritic back. Waaa,..waaa…waaa…  During the past few weeks I’ve indulged in several pity parties.

But I’ve got to find a way to get back on track. So I’m trying something. I’m going against my doctor’s advice.

You see, I love to run. I love the mental release. I love the spiritual connection to breath and life. I love the meditative quality of it. Some of my most deep conversations with God have happened on a run.

So, I’m going to run again. But I’m going to be smarter. I’m going to stretch. A lot. I’m going to start out only running 2 or 3 days a week. I’m going to really bump up the core workouts.

We’ll see how it goes.

Middle Age and Erik Erikson

Sigh….

Sigh….

Really, really big sigh….

This is so hard to write, but I need to vent. 

Middle Aged. Mid-life. According to Dictionary.com middle aged means “being of the age intermediate between youth and old age, roughly between 45 and 65.” 

According to Erik Erikson I’m smack in the middle of the Generativity VS Stagnation stage of adulthood. There’s only one stage left after this one. Crap.

I’m 49.

I’m middle aged.

Blech.

Double, triple, infinity blech.

Can we rename this stage of life, please? Something pleasant or fun sounding? I vote for Empty Nest Rocker Chick.

Two events this year brought home to me what I kind of already knew, but didn’t want to face-I am well past my physical peak. My body is in slow decline. Or maybe not so slow in some ways. 

Those two events? My annual eye exam in January and an acute visit to my primary care doctor to talk about my continued back pain. 

First event: January-my eye doctor told me I have cataracts forming in both eyes. I guess my chin suddenly hitting the ground and the tears welling in my eyes made her quickly add, “It’s no big deal. It happens to all of us.” Granted, they’re just beginning. Will probably be years before I have to have surgery to remove them. But…but…

BUT I’M ONLY 49 YEARS OLD!!!!

Second event: Thursday-met with Dr. P about my back. I’ve shed over 60 pounds. Eat healthy most days. Have a lipid profile, blood pressure, and resting heart rate that, sold on the black market, would make me a wealthy woman. So what did Dr. P tell me that hurt so much. No. More. Running. 

WHAT??????

NO. MORE. RUNNING…NO. MORE. RUNNING…

He might as well have punched me in the gut. With a brick.

I think I’m dealing better with the cataracts than the no more running thing. Cataracts can be removed. But the no more running thing, man that hits me deep in the core of who I am. 

I. AM. ONLY. 49. YEARS. OLD.

How do I deal with this? Haven’t figured that out yet, but I will own it like an Empty Nest Rocker Chick.

Middle Age and Erik Erikson can bite me.

 

 

 

Fit By Fifty Week One Update

Lost 2.6 pounds this week. That makes me very happy. What makes me even happier is that I jogged a little over two miles this morning before I had to take a walk break. Yay!

I wogged (my word for jogged/walked) 4.34 miles in 57 minutes.  It was the perfect early fall morning with bright sun and a cool breeze-my favorite running weather. It reminds me of running cross-country in high school.

Little by little I’m starting to feel good more often than not. Some days I almost feel like an athlete again. LOL!

Next Saturday I run my first road race in 10.5 years. I’m registered for the Sam’s Sprint 5K. Even though I’m nervous, I’m looking forward to it. I’ll try to take some pix, but no promises.

See you next Sunday. 😀

Going Forward

Planning some changes to my blog. Over a month ago I mentioned that I realize my blog lacks focus. I’ve spent some time trying to figure out what focus I can bring. I’ve come up with a couple of ideas. One, dogs…I’m crazy about dogs, animal rescue, dog training, responsible pet ownership. So, I plan to post articles about dogs and dog training. I’m also currently getting in shape and losing weight. Therefore, I plan to post about fitness and health, about regaining fitness in middle age, running, and road races.

On my birthday, September 16, I plan to start a new page on the blog called ‘Fit by Fifty.’ Next Sunday I turn 48. My goal is to reach my goal weight of 120 pounds by next summer and run a whole marathon by my 50th birthday. I’ll chronicle that journey on my new page.

I will also post about my writing journey from time to time. But that won’t be the focus of the blog.

My plan is to post two days a week to start-one day about dogs and one day about fitness. So stay tuned-posts are coming later this week.

Where I’m At

Yes, I ended the title of this post with a preposition. With apologies to my Mom, it’s intentional and I’m leaving it that way.

I’ve determined the reason I haven’t blogged consistently in, oh, ever, is because my blog lacks focus. Really. It does. That’s where I’m at–trying to find a focus for this blog that will keep me posting.

In the mean time, I’ve started eating healthy, cutting my caloric intake, exercising, and getting fit. I’ve lost 17 pounds since Christmas! I’ve set a fitness goal for myself that I will run the Country Music Half Marathon in April 2013.

I’ve done it before–in 2002. Anyone want to join me for 2013?

Crossing the Finish Line in 2002